I woke up from the soft crashing of rain against my window, but I knew I could not get up. I kept my eyes closed, and let my mind wander from thought to thought. I thought about everything and yet at the same time I hadn’t thought of anything. I lay in the bliss of my half-conscious state. As I was lying there I realized I could do anything I set my mind, and yet I couldn’t do anything at all. This moment just before waking up was my ultimate weakness. It was the moment in which I was my most productive self. I was making plans to work out more, study harder, ask out the girl I liked. I thought back to last summer when we used to hang out at the beach and tease each other about who was a better swimmer. We were both pretty tall, me being around 6’2” and her being around 5’10”, but I was always able to pull ahead at the last minute and beat her. She had grown her hair out longer than usual reaching almost half-way down her back and I used to always tell her that maybe if she shaved it off she could finally beat me. She’d laugh and her bright hazel eyes would light up and I’d laugh with her. My entire body would heat up with happiness and I wouldn’t worry about anything. It was the best feeling in the world. All summer we had this back and forth of flirting and teasing until it got to the point where people started asking me when I was going to ask her out. My friends would ask her friends if she liked me and her friends would ask my friends if I liked her. It was obvious to everyone except for us, and neither of us knew for sure how the other one felt because neither of us had said anything definitive about each other to anyone else. Eventually I decided I had to make a move, but I was afraid of getting rejected so I simply asked her to hang out. That way I could play it off casually if she said no. After lots of careful planning and brainstorming I finally worked up the nerve to text her. I started with some casual conversation and asked her if she wanted to hang out next Saturday and maybe go grab something to eat. As I sat there my heart beat faster with every second and I began to break a sweat. It was the most excruciating two minutes of my entire life when all of the sudden my phone buzzed with her response. I flipped over my phone eager to see what she had said. “Sounds fun I can’t wait.” By the time Saturday had arrived I was extremely nervous. I decided I would wait to text her after practice since we hadn’t really figured out what we were going to do. After practice I checked my phone and saw that I had a message waiting for me. “Hey are we doing anything tonight,” I had only missed it by about 20 minutes so I quickly replied, “yeah I’d still be down if you are.” Not a minute later she replied, “Actually I can’t do anything tonight.” My heart sank, I knew that she hadn’t made any plans for tonight and in that moment I lost all of my confidence. Over the next few weeks we started talking less and less and things between us just became awkward. One day we just stopped talking. As I laid there, I realized that there was absolutely no reason for me to feel insecure. For all I knew she was just as nervous as me about the whole night. In that moment I became the most motivated I had ever been in my life. I thought about texting her, putting all my cards out on the table, getting a fresh start, but I couldn’t act on any of it. I knew that as soon as I opened my eyes I would lose the drive I was holding on to so tightly right now. I knew I could talk myself out of any resolution or plan I had made to better myself with convenience. I knew myself, but I promised that this time was different. I opened my eyes and stared at my phone. I had to act now while I still had my momentum. I grabbed my phone, searched through the contacts, and found her name. Without thinking I only typed out one word and clicked send. “Hey.”
“Hey.”
No comments:
Post a Comment